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TORN: SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?

TORN: SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?

“Torn in between the two ‘Cause I really wanna be with you
But something is telling me that I should leave you alone”

Letoya Luckett

 

He’s handsome, like very good looking, charismatic, fun, speaks to you in a way that makes you feel special and it feels so good to be in his presence. He paints a beautiful picture of what your future could look like and before you know it, you’ve been hooked. It’s not often you feel this way about another person, you want to know more, you crave the excitement, when he is close you can only imagine all the ways he could satisfy you. Nevertheless, the red flags are present and screaming at you to reconsider falling for the play at this moment in time. You are fighting an internal battle, one where you cannot decide whether you should walk away or stay.  

On more than one occasion I have been torn between continuing to entertain the idea of building a relationship/date, someone I felt a powerful connection to, yet recognising red flags very early on and feeling like I should walk away. Through these experiences, I have learned a few key lessons which I will pass on to you today. 

Love Yourself First 

You may be falling fast for Mr Charismatic, however too often smart, gorgeous, ambitious women miss this key point when dating/in a relationship;

Put Yourself First Unapologetically

When we lack self love and esteem, we do not feel worthy of what we truly desire or fantasize about and instead settle for what we believe is the best we can do. Ever heard the saying “whether you think you can or you can’t, you are right?” The same goes for who you attract and how you are treated. 

When we have a healthy relationship with ourselves, we create standards, values and boundaries. This way, when someone is going against what we believe, we have the power and choice to no longer entertain the drama or disrespect. When we do not feel worthy of a quality partner or fear being alone, we will tolerate disrespect and bad behaviour much more because the thought of being without this person is worse than the thought of losing yourself. A very dangerous place to be, so if you ever find yourself here, it is time for a crash course on self love.

Loving yourself first means knowing without a doubt, you are ‘The Prize’. It means staying connected to the truth of who you are, and the light you bring to this world. You are worthy of love, happiness and pleasure, this is your birthright. When you create a healthy relationship with self first and foremost, it is far less likely that you will allow someone into your life who will treat you with anything less than you know you deserve and if they did try, you will have boundaries in place.

Action Step

Make time for unapologetic self love and care practices. When you are in a great space mentally, physically and emotionally, you can objectively assess the situation you are in and determine whether to explore the relationship or leave it alone.

Have Clear Boundaries 

Don’t be afraid to let someone know what you will and won’t accept. Then it is up to them if they want to respect your boundaries or play their own game, just remember you don’t have to agree to play along. Having a consequence for someone who breaks a boundary is perfectly OK and reinforces the idea that you love yourself and will not be treated in a way that does not feel good.

Here is a tip. COMMUNICATE. Don’t expect the individual to read your mind and automatically know what you will and won’t entertain, remember he is probably used to women bending over backwards to be with him, but not you dear. Boundaries and standards are your new best friend. 

Action Step

What boundaries do you need to put in place moving forward? What are the consequences for someone breaking your boundaries? 

What Is Non-negotiable? 

I will never date/entertain a man who is married or in a relationship this is a non-negotiable. A man who laid hands on me would never see me again, this too is a non-negotiable. So if I ever was faced with these scenarios it would be easy for me to walk away. What are you unwilling to put up with? The clearer you are, the easier it is to decide whether or not to continue building a relationship with a particular individual. 

Action Step

Make a list of your non-negotiable’s for intimate relationship, getting very clear on what you are and are not available for moving forward. If the current situation does not align with your non-negotiable’s, you will have your answer.

Heal Your Inner Little Girl 

I was running, pushing love and men away because I was deeply wounded, clinging on to a distorted belief that love hurts. Due to this, I attracted men who were unavailable, uncommitted and who could never show up for me the way I envisioned and hoped. Truth is, it was easier to walk away in those situations. However, they are not to blame, it was important to look at myself and see the patterns created, recognising that in order for change to take place, it was necessary to start within. With healing. 

If you continue to attract men that do not make you feel good, are unavailable or disrespectful, something within you needs to shift to create a new experience. Maybe you grew up without a father being present and created a belief that love is pain. Perhaps your mother taught you that no matter how bad a relationship, you have got to stick by the man. We all have a story, wounds and most were born into dysfunction. Nevertheless, our past does not in any way, shape or form need to dictate our future. When we uncover our limiting beliefs around love/relationships and transform them into new empowering beliefs that serve the life we desire to create, we have an opportunity to have an entirely different experience. 

As I began to heal, it became easier to identify when I was in fear, running away from the situation because I was triggered and when I needed to walk away because the individual was not a fit for me. Please do not ignore this step, I recommend every woman to be supported to heal and re-parent her inner child as your life will change for the better, drastically.

Action Step

Consider hiring a healer, mentor, spiritual adviser or coach to support you on this journey. We cannot always see our blind spots and uncover our deepest limiting beliefs by ourselves so having the support to identify and transform that which no longer serves you is powerful.

Last but by no means least…

Never Be Afraid To Walk Away [Always Remember This]

If you are in London or the surrounding area, I would love to invite you to our next event, March 21, 2020 – The Perfectly Imperfect Woman’s Circle: Forgiving Yourself & Others -. This is an opportunity for you to heal from past experiences so you can stop blocking the good that is meant for you moving forward. Resentment will keep your blessings at bay, so if you are ready for a shift, know that there is so much more possible for you in 2020 and ready to heal and create peace with your past, click HERE to reserve your seat today.

 

nofisacaseman

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